Background

  As we embark on this journey of getting to know one another, I thought I would start by sharing some inside scoops on my life.

For starters, I grew up in a very small town in Northwest Ohio where schools have “drive your tractor to school” events and corn fields overtaking the view. I have pretty much always been an outsider looking in, or that is how I felt anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful mother and some pretty great family; however, I usually felt like I was that oddly shaped puzzle piece that seemed SO close to fitting in, but it was just not right. I remember a lot of weekends and summers during my high school years sitting around yearning to be with friends and be out in the world instead of sitting home alone with the remote in hand, ready to tell Netflix I was, in fact, still watching 3 hours later.

As an adult, I now have a slightly better understanding of why that was my life. I sought out help for my mental health periodically through school and even some after, yet it wasn’t until I had my daughter that I needed help to maintain some sort of peace in my head. I ended up going to a hospital because I simply could not function and complete daily tasks anymore due to anxiety so extreme I physically shook a lot of times. The hospital staff and those peers I met during that stay had changed my life, though I did not realize it yet.

Fast forward maybe two months, my daughter’s father left for a short trip with his father, then never came home. I was heartbroken, and surprised, to hear that he wanted to leave not only me but our beautiful daughter. I felt rejected, alone, and like I had failed everyone around me. I begged for him to stay and try therapy but he said he was done. I had hit a low that I did not know was at all possible, so I went back to that hospital with no hope or desire to move on. I was an inpatient, and I participated in an intensive outpatient program. Though short, I learned that I was truly not alone in how my brain had worked for years. I also learned it was not healthy, either. I also started individual therapy as well and was met with one devastating diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

Through a whirlwind of loneliness, severe depression, and many dark days, I found a new truth: I am worthy because of Jesus, who had literally DIED for me. He died for ME. Can I tell you a secret? Jesus also gave his life for you, my dear friend. Genesis 1:31 proves God’s love for us.”God saw all that he made, and it was VERY GOOD…” We are not just “okay” or “good.” He is a father looking down on his children saying “Wow, my creation is so very good!”

My life is so far from being perfect, but now I try to go into each day knowing that no matter how bad I mess up I still have a father who loves me unconditionally and so fiercely.

I am going to use this blog to remind myself that the struggles I face do not only create a messy and painful picture but one full of joy, hope, love, and beauty. My God has already won the battle for me. These battles I face with my flesh will not destroy me because I am made in God’s image. “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them…” Genesis 1:27. My brothers and sisters, there is hope; there is love to be felt.

Mariah